Currently, Jordan is the guy I wish I could be getting to know. ((Although I hadn’t seen him since early December))

I met Jordan in July of last year. Him and his cousin John rented a campground at Baker River in NH for the season. They have a shared trailer there. Jordan and John each invited friends up for the weekend. My brother was invited by John and extended an invite to me to tag along with him and his girlfriend. The weekend started on a Friday. We were able to drive up and set up our tents with daylight to spare. By the next morning, there was a large group of us. Somewhere around 15 people planning to float down Baker River. ((This piece is unfinished)).


I’m over the idea of Jordan.


I’m back on the Jordan train ((FML?)), and have been since he texted me on June 6th. His text read “Whenever you’d like.” It was in response to a text I had sent him several months earlier. I had since deleted his messages but remembered that my text had read something along the lines of “When can we be friends.” Insert confusion and excitement here. We met up that night and I stayed over. A game of pool lead to a minor bet of kissing. I wish I had made a riskier bet but I wasn’t trying to jump into things based on the past. He tried to kiss me, but I dodged it since the bet wound up in me having to make a move to kiss him that night. Shortly after his attempt I kissed him. Jordan was freshly out of a relationship. I think it was about a few weeks at the time. I asked if he had been with anyone since. He hadn’t. I verbally announced that that kind of made me a rebound. He picked up that I cared and we didn’t hook up.
He told me he doesn’t want a relationship and pretty much said that this wouldn’t be anything. I’m super interested in being friends with him. I’m also scared cause I’m into him as more than friends. And he has already laid out our path. I’m hopeless when it comes to boys. I don’t give up when I feel something. I read between the words even if it doesn’t exist. Maybe he just needs some time. Possible he will never be into me the way I hope. I’m prepared for whatever and not tunnel-visioned to him. But still, if he wanted this to be something, I wouldn’t hesitate. He’s awesome. He’s honest. He’s intimidating. He’s talented. He’s happy, or at least his personality is.
We’ve been hanging out a little over a month at this point. Seems to be a back and forth of hitting each other up. He lost his license the morning after we started hanging out, and I’m not sure if that has had some effect on everything that’s been going on. Still trying to get a read on him. In the very least, he is attracted to me. [But the actual real least should be that he wants to be friends with me-which makes me super pumped anyway, he seems like a great friend to have]. In the worst, he prefers my roommate. Growing up with my sister has always felt like a comparison factor and I seem to always belittle myself. I’m trying to shake that, aiming for the mentality of “if I’m not the one you want, then you’re not the one I want”…. but the heart wants what it wants and that is hard to shake. I also feel like I don’t try to impress.
We spent all of this past Saturday together, starting with me waking up at his place after meeting him the night before at Golden Dragon in Weymouth. We grabbed breakfast at the Grill and Eye and did some [of his] errands at the Guitar Center in Braintree. He picked up a tuner and two Metallica records – Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets. When we got back to his place he immediately popped a record on and broke out the tuner to adjust his acoustic and play along. He showed me his first [electric?] guitar which he had painted lightning bolts on in accordance with the Ride the Lightning album [years ago?]. I was in awe and attraction watching him play. He packed some clothes for the beach and Boston festivities I invited him to for the day. I drove us over to Quincy and we chilled at home waiting for Lauren to arrive. ((My mind sees him so into her, or maybe I’m just reading how he lights up looking at her, perhaps I’m seeing something that isn’t there, perhaps he is that way with everyone he looks at…writing this down makes me sad cause I don’t think it is the latter)) The three of us headed down to the beach and Lauren and I walked shin deep into the water. In conversation it came up that he was going to Florida for Christmas, and I joked that the two of us would join. I wonder if he would have reacted as enthusiastically had I said simply I would join. ((Uhhh need to stop thinking this way… though having feelings is kind of neat-too many times in my life I thought I’d never have strong feelings again)). We parted ways with Lauren and Mike since they planned to get dinner in Boston. A dinner bill I did not want to be a part of. Jordan and I ended up at Coop’s where we ordered buffalo tenders and the best loaded potato skins ever. After, he asked to stop at the 7 Eleven nearby. He walked out empty handed. I asked cigarettes? Nope. Five hour energy shot? Nope. He said it was the next thing on the list. Although I didn’t believe it in my mind, I amusingly thought maybe condoms. He confirmed it to be just that only seconds after I thought it. We drove around to 3 convenient stores before ending up at CVS for his Magnums. I was happy the first three attempts didn’t discourage him. We met up with the rest of the crew who was just finishing their pricey dinner at Highball Lounge. The expensive drinks and ritzy atmosphere did nothing to make the place comfortable for us. A game room gave us some solace. I played the Pac Man machine and ended up apart from Jordan. I felt him in the corner of my eye on the couch with Lauren and I told myself to stop overthinking. I was repeatedly smashing a button with a closed fist while playing Galacta when I heard Lauren and Jordan possibly saying something in my direction. He increased the volume of his voice to say to me “I’d wish you’d do that to me” I quickly responded with “I can later.” I don’t know if he was flirting with me or trying to impress Lauren with his slightly raunchy comment. Eventually we left Brenda’s birthday gathering [although she was around us for all of a short five minutes] and made our way toward Hong Kong. The line was too long to wait and we went around the corner to Black Rose. Jordan breathed in the atmosphere walking in to live Irish music. His mood increased significantly and the price of drinks dropped nicely. ((I could talk about more stress here but I won’t, especially since it got better 20 minutes later)). We all enjoyed the music upstairs before it got late enough to head out. Jordan, Lauren, Mike, Erin, Ryan and I all made the trek to my car while Marie planned to take an Uber. Originally I assumed it would be just us two but didn’t mind cramming the car, especially since an Uber to Quincy was priced crazy at $76. My car exited the elevator of the Valet parking garage and we ended the night. Jordan stayed over, nothing happened. He was slightly dead in the morning and I put on an episode of You’re the Worst before bringing him home. On the ride back he asked if the two people in the show who decided to sleep together realizing relationships don’t last end up in a relationship. My answer was unsure, I hadn’t watched enough episodes in. I hoped he was thinking about a relationship with me at that moment. ((I ramble, apologies. I just want to remember all that I can)).

Where do I go from here? Laugh Out Loud.


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